i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
