Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
