i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
