i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize