So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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