Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
