youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
