Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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