I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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