just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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