I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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