Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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