make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
