hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize