Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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