Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
