I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
