just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
accomplished twins. life is a go
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
