im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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