Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
