I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
