you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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