Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
