I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
