Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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