the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
