the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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