I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
