I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
