I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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