I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
