i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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