dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
