How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
