I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize