Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
