he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
