I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
