She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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