You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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