Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize