I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
