while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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