Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You were trust falling into bushes
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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