I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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