a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
