I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
