my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
