i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
