Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
