Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
