I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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