He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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