i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
