Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
