I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
