What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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