mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
