for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
