her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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