First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
foreskin is a definite game changer
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
